Passing

My partner passed into eternity last Sunday.

God in the Midst of Suffering

     I remember when I first read the book When Bad Things Happen to Good People by Rabbi Harold Kushner many years ago.  I was shocked by his premise that God could not do all things and thus could not save us from our suffering.  Gnosticism too seems to have a similar premise that God is spirit and this physical world is not his making and domain.  The Christian mystics such as Teresa of Avila share "Christ has no body on earth, but yours.  No hands, no feet but yours."

     With the explosion at the fertilizer factory and the bombing at the Boston Marathon,  I ask why these things happen. Where is God in all this?  I honestly have no answer.  However, I think the Divine is present with us during these events.  God is present in "the least of these" and what bit we do is enough...our little offering to God.

     My theology has been shattered over the course of these four months.  Sitting day in and day out with my Beloved in the hospital, saying goodbye to him three different time as he approached the very doorway of death only to have him pull through....something has changed in my relationship with God.  I am coming to know a God bigger than the names and expressions I use for God.  It seems God is every image and name we use...at least we can know God intimately that way, and yet there is still further to go.  God is more than a person or any name or image I can conceive of...and yet is personal and transpersonal at the same time.  Hinduism speak of Brahman this same way.  What I am finding is the personal name and relationship I have with God is merely an entrance to a God present in everything and everyone.  

     God does not change our situations and sufferings because God Herself is right there in the midst of them with us.  In the midst of the storms of our suffering and confusion.  My prayer in light of these past weeks events is that God made be manifest to all those suffering, that the dead may be at peace, and that healing may occur.

Night

During the day I work with underprivledged kids which is a fantastic though exhausting ministry.  From there, I go to the hospital to sit with my Beloved.  By the time I get home at night, I am pooped!  I take my dog out  for a walk under the night sky and the dark, coupled with the waxing and waning of the moon, the stars and clouds and my soul is utterly refreshed.  It is here that I hear the voice of the Mother, the Divine Feminine singing over me a song of peace and refreshing.  I come in and finish my day's chores and then when all is done I visit my altar.  I light the candle, the incense, and ring the bell and look at the images that point me to the Divine Presence that is in all things and yet beyond all things.  It is a perfect ending to the day...some days I cry, some days I pray, others I sit in silence, reflect or simply just do this little duty as an offering and go to bed.  I am so thankful for the blessed night.

The Divine Twins

T Thorn Coyle has written a great article talking about the Divine Twins or what Starhawk in her book The Fifth Sacred Thing, "the Good Reality and the Bad Reality".  The Divine Twins, the bright and dark twins show up at various times in our lives.  In sitting with my spouse,  there are times when the bright twin shows his/her face...in my love's laugh, in good news, and just the appreciation of the time we have together.  But other times we fall through the ice into the bad reality, when his pain is overwhelming, when we receive bad news, or we are tired and grumpy.

What I loved about Thorn's writing today is she really hit home she talks about sitting with both twins simultaneously.  Here is the link:
http://www.thorncoyle.com/blog/2012/01/29/the-divine-twins-occupy-and-us/
And
http://www.thorncoyle.com/blog/2013/04/14/what-a-wonderful-world/

Universalism

I received some great news today. The biopsy from my partner's abscess have revealed what type of bacteria it is and that the regimen of antibiotics he is on will take care of it. He will survive and heal. Though the process of recovery will be slow, at least it will not be fatal.

Through all of this, I have really wrestled in my relationship with God and really trying to understand who God is. With all this also questions of the afterlife are right there with me.

One thing that stands strong in me is that I am a Universalist. In the Gospel of Thomas, the reader is challenged to go within and realize they are a child of God...a spark meant to return to the fire. The Bhagavad Gita reminds us too that no one will be lost and even a leaf offered will be accepted. The Gospel of Matthew too speaks that in serving another they are serving God even if they do not know it. What these things point to is an incredible God who sees any goodness as done to God's self. In the Goddess myths people often meet the Goddess unaware and in doing good to the stranger they serve Her.

In this dark time I prayed the rosary, prayed, chanted from many traditions, and had people of every faith and no faith praying, chanting, sending Reiki, and even performing healing rituals on his behalf. I believed all were and are effective. God through all this took many names and faces. She was the Mother who comforted and held us. He was the Father holding my hand teaching me to be strong. He was the Buddha teaching me to be present and thankful for each moment. God was also an intense sharpness of conscience like Kali's sword cutting away what was not ideal.

My faith is Universal in a living God too big to be contained with anyone mythos. Though my foundations are Christianity and Vedanta, my God is a God of a thousand names and faces.

My Husband, the Guru

I swear I think my husband has become my guru.  As I have written, he has been in the hospital with a mass on his brain.  We are running on 3-4 months now he has been in the hospital.  With all this has come an unexpected change.  His personality and worldview has changed.

I have to admit initially, I was not sure about this...wondering if this was even the same man with whom I fell in love.  Before he was quiet, reserved, very private, did not like to go to new places, nor try new things.  Now he has a passion for life, new foods, new places, exploring and enjoying life for every succulent drop.

My life has changed in the past few months as well.  I get up, go to work, then go to the hospital until it is time to go home and go to bed, only to repeat this the next day.  But being with him day in and day out, outside of our comfort zone of our home has been a purifying fire.  I am learning to love and serve him as God.  In turn he teaches me how to live and approach life.  For example, his family had very little to do with him for the 16 years we have been together.  Now, having him so close to death several times, they have realized their mistakes and really opened their heart and lives to him. What is amazing is there is no grudge left in him.  All these years, he has been hurt by their lack of affection (real or perceived) and without so much as a thought he has forgiven them (and me!) our faults of the past.

He is teaching me to live, to be open, and to enjoy life.  I only hope we have another 40 years together to explore the adventure of life holding hands together.  My husband has become the wisdom of the Divine Mother to me.  He has become my guru, my teacher, my love.  And for that I am so thankful for our time together.

Drops Returning to the Ocean

Through this time in my life, I have been shoved into the fires that burn away karma and put one face to face with reality.  In running the risk of losing my loved one, I have been learning the lesson to live only in the moment and appreciate each moment and experience as a grace.  It is not easy.  At times every fiber of my being wants to rage against this.  And yet this revolt really does nothing.  I can only be here..now. 

Being a gay man at risk of losing his partner in death, I have also have had to face my issues with the church.  Do I stop holding his hand when folks come in because they might be offended?  Will the nurses treat him worse when they find out he is gay?  Will the doctors?  If he passes will we find a pastor/church to bury a gay man who is survived by his partner or will I be expected to hide during the funeral of my beloved of the past 16 years?

I have been thinking about civil rights and the experience of people of color in our not too distant history of slavery and beyond.  Why did they stay Christian?  Why do women who are for equality?  The Bible has been used to clobber folks into submission.  It has used on slaves, women, and gltb folks to demean and keep them down.  I am angry at the injustice of it.  Like I told my bishop, Jesus may accept me "just as I am", but I am not so sure about the church. 

And so I pray, I do my dharma in trying to live justly and protect the dignity of all people, as Jesus said: "Inasmuch as you have/have not done it to the least of these, you have/have not done it to me." The Gospel of Thomas says it beautifully: "Protect your brother/sister as you would protect the pupil of your eye." 

So for now I sit in the burning pyre of grief, worry, and anger, and yet while present in this, try to see each person as Jesus, as Krishna, as God.  They are the Divine Mother in many disguises, some wonderful some less so, and through each one, I seek to do what is right while holding my beloved up in the light, asking for a miracle that may or may not come.