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Wednesday, November 13, 2013

The Changing of the Seasons

It has been nearly six months since my partner of 16 years passed away.  I thought I would not survive this.  But I have.  However like the old story of wrestling with the angel, I have not come out of this unscathed.  I am changed. I have lost 90 pounds having changed my diet and sedentary lifestyle.  I have friends and get out and do things. I don't glamorize nor demonize the relationship that has passed away. I see now we were in a rut and really the relationship before he got sick was in a bad way. He had even told me in the hospital that prior to going in he had taken off the rings we had exchanged several months prior and I had not even noticed.  Yep. Things were not great.  We loved each other but were in a rut and a bad place. 

So now I am looking at my radically different life.  I went from upper middle class to near poverty level.  I live with two roommates.  I moved from my four bedroom 2750 sq ft home to a single bedroom.  I realize that my job is not going to really be able to financially support me. I am now planning to go to graduate school.  I am actually considering law school yet am scared to consider such a move.  

Spiritually I am not as angry at God as I was in my last post.  However my approach to the Divine is less childlike and naive.  I do not see Deity as safe nor like Santa Claus in the least.  Deity contains life and death, blessing and curse, light and dark within it. 

These six months have changed me, inside and out.  I feel more out of control of my destiny, routines, and structures than I ever had. I am nervous to say the least. Yet I do have hope. 

Monday, August 5, 2013

Update

It has been a while since I have posted.  I even took the blog down for a while.  I guess I simply cannot stop writing. I have no idea if folks even read this, and I suppose it does not matter. I will write regardless.  So here is an update into a window into my life.  I have started a few projects over the summer.

  • Lose weight.  I have lost 50 pounds so far and am nearing my target weight.  Most of this was done through healthy eating and portion control. The past couple of weeks I have started at a gym to help me tone up and lose the last bit of weight. 
  • I am moving in with roommates I had ages ago.  The very ones who introduced me to my partner.  I have gutted the room floor to ceiling.  Working with my hands has been amazing. Sanding painting, staining etc has been very therapeutic.  
One challenge has been dealing with the emotions of loss.  I saw what the loss of her husband did to my mom throughout the past year and did not want that.  Unfortunately I made the mistake of shutting down emotionally.  With the newfound weight loss, I was a lot more attractive to guys and hooked up more than I care to admit, with no emotion whatsoever on my part.  No longer meditating nor having any spiritual practice, I effectively numbed my heart and mind from processing my loss.  The side effect was that I maybe slept 2 hours a night if that.  Finally this past week I meditated and opened up and cried and cried.  And slept like a baby.

So that is where I am.   Spiritually, I no longer know what I believe.  I don't pray as I am not sure I believe in a God who answers prayers.  I may share more about why if you, the reader, care to know. Let me know.

Friday, June 21, 2013

Different

I am sorry I have not posted.  As I mentioned in my last post, my partner died.  We had 16 years together, some easy, some not so easy, but they were 16 years.  We both believed in staying together for better or worse.  Now that he is gone, some days?  times?  hours? are easy while others are hard.  I notice for whatever reason driving is the worst.  I am stuck alone with my thoughts and his passing is always waiting in the shadows of my mind for the opening to come through.

My dad passed last year right around the same time. My mom had been married to him for over 30 years and it changed her.  I can see this already changing me.  Things I struggled with spiritually are dealt with, and with all the dross burned away, I come away changed.  My mom told me she know longer believes in miracles, at least the type of radical healings one hears about second hand or in the Bible.  I think I believe in her.  With my beloved's death, the concept of the Christian God died too.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Passing

My partner passed into eternity last Sunday.

Sunday, April 21, 2013

God in the Midst of Suffering

     I remember when I first read the book When Bad Things Happen to Good People by Rabbi Harold Kushner many years ago.  I was shocked by his premise that God could not do all things and thus could not save us from our suffering.  Gnosticism too seems to have a similar premise that God is spirit and this physical world is not his making and domain.  The Christian mystics such as Teresa of Avila share "Christ has no body on earth, but yours.  No hands, no feet but yours."

     With the explosion at the fertilizer factory and the bombing at the Boston Marathon,  I ask why these things happen. Where is God in all this?  I honestly have no answer.  However, I think the Divine is present with us during these events.  God is present in "the least of these" and what bit we do is enough...our little offering to God.

     My theology has been shattered over the course of these four months.  Sitting day in and day out with my Beloved in the hospital, saying goodbye to him three different time as he approached the very doorway of death only to have him pull through....something has changed in my relationship with God.  I am coming to know a God bigger than the names and expressions I use for God.  It seems God is every image and name we use...at least we can know God intimately that way, and yet there is still further to go.  God is more than a person or any name or image I can conceive of...and yet is personal and transpersonal at the same time.  Hinduism speak of Brahman this same way.  What I am finding is the personal name and relationship I have with God is merely an entrance to a God present in everything and everyone.  

     God does not change our situations and sufferings because God Herself is right there in the midst of them with us.  In the midst of the storms of our suffering and confusion.  My prayer in light of these past weeks events is that God made be manifest to all those suffering, that the dead may be at peace, and that healing may occur.

Monday, April 15, 2013

Night

During the day I work with underprivledged kids which is a fantastic though exhausting ministry.  From there, I go to the hospital to sit with my Beloved.  By the time I get home at night, I am pooped!  I take my dog out  for a walk under the night sky and the dark, coupled with the waxing and waning of the moon, the stars and clouds and my soul is utterly refreshed.  It is here that I hear the voice of the Mother, the Divine Feminine singing over me a song of peace and refreshing.  I come in and finish my day's chores and then when all is done I visit my altar.  I light the candle, the incense, and ring the bell and look at the images that point me to the Divine Presence that is in all things and yet beyond all things.  It is a perfect ending to the day...some days I cry, some days I pray, others I sit in silence, reflect or simply just do this little duty as an offering and go to bed.  I am so thankful for the blessed night.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

The Divine Twins

T Thorn Coyle has written a great article talking about the Divine Twins or what Starhawk in her book The Fifth Sacred Thing, "the Good Reality and the Bad Reality".  The Divine Twins, the bright and dark twins show up at various times in our lives.  In sitting with my spouse,  there are times when the bright twin shows his/her face...in my love's laugh, in good news, and just the appreciation of the time we have together.  But other times we fall through the ice into the bad reality, when his pain is overwhelming, when we receive bad news, or we are tired and grumpy.

What I loved about Thorn's writing today is she really hit home she talks about sitting with both twins simultaneously.  Here is the link:
http://www.thorncoyle.com/blog/2012/01/29/the-divine-twins-occupy-and-us/
And
http://www.thorncoyle.com/blog/2013/04/14/what-a-wonderful-world/